Wednesday, August 24, 2005
Anger and the Love Book
This is a prayer request and a sharing of sorts. I was going to just "keep it to myself," but as I sit here, I felt it was a good time to reach out. There is a part of me that feels I should be so happy and excited that we are on the other side of this deployment, that we are more then half over, that it could be less then a few months till Dadmanly comes home.
It’s harder, the truth is, it’s harder...my heart is heavy and to others it may seem that I should be rejoicing.
I guess it really hit me this a.m., when my son began to sob, not cry, sob. My heart broke for this little guy, who keeps waiting to see his Dad again and spend time with him. He laid on the bed and kept sobbing, "Mom, I miss my Dad." "Mom, it’s sooo much harder since Dad visited," and "Why did my Dad have to go?"
It was then that I was able to be totally honest with myself. Part of me has been keeping it in, because I think thoughts that are ridiculous, "He’s almost home, you can't be whining and crying, people are going to think you’re nuts. Be grateful, you got to see your husband." "Be strong, trust in the Lord," or even, "Suck it up!"
It took my child to bring me back to reality. I'm in pain. I can go through each day and push through, and rely on the Lord, and be grateful that so many months have passed. But that does not take away the longing, the hoping, and still "the worry." Not a constant worry or an overwhelming worry, but a moment at a time worry.
"What if something happens now to Dadmanly after we have been through all this?” “What will I do, what will life be like when he comes back?" "We have all changed, will it be for the better?"
And...the anger. I cannot tell you a thing I'm angry about, I'm just angry. It’s so hard to explain in words but my heart feels heavier now then when he first left. I spoke to another soldier’s wife the other night for well over an hour, and we shared all the same things.
I mentioned to a few others at a picnic on Saturday, and they feel the same. It’s almost like we are this separate group of people, that we are walking around acting normal (so-to-speak, lol), and no one truly knows what any of us are dealing with in our hearts.
I remember this feeling clearly when my sister died, it felt the same. Life goes on, no one knows how you feel at that moment in time, yet it has been almost six years and I can still feel that loss. Through all this I know God loves me, I know He is in charge/control, I know He will take care of us. No matter what, I've read it, I know it, I believe it, but as Little Manly cried and we just hugged each other, I was able to let go of my wall, the strength "I" was possessing and just cried with my son. Me, Little Manly, and God…
I'm not sure where all of this is going, it’s just on my heart. It was like a breakthrough this a.m., because Little Manly and I had this moment in time, like we both let go.
As I was talking to my son the other day, I was explaining about God’s word, the Bible, and explaining to him that God has plans for each of us. We need to follow His word, everything He tells us is for our good. To allow us to have what He has for us, we need to do as He tells us, and the Bible has great instructions for that.
Little Manly interrupted me and said, “You’re right, Mom. It is a LOVE book, not about rules, but Love...”
WOW! That blew me away, I have not been reading the love book lately or resting in the Lord, or as my good friend pointed out, to dance with Jesus is so intimate and comforting, I have not danced either. God wants me to be connected to Him, through His word, prayer, fellowship, being honest.
I've done the fellowship part but I have been lacking in all other areas, and even with the fellowship part, I have been "being tough" and "standing strong."
I know this time will pass. I know my husband will be home again. Part of me is afraid that when Dadmanly comes home the anger will be greater, resentment will set in. I keep hearing over and over from the Army meetings, where we are being forewarned what to expect when our soldiers come home, life will be different, does that mean better? Does that mean harder? Is it positive, is it negative, more work to do? Too much to think about.
I know many have prayed, I've been asked what I need... I really need prayer for me, Dadmanly, Little Manly, Spud, and Jilly Beans for this next phase, to get Dad home. To work through and reconnect and be able to build our marriage and our ministries together, not to let the enemy get a foothold in any area. For now, to be able to Let Go AGAIN and truly Let God work in my life, get back to prayer, the Bible, trust...
My church is starting a study on Experiencing God. (Course online.) I did the study with Dadmanly 11 years ago in Atlanta and it changed my life. I'm looking forward to starting this in a few short weeks, and looking forward to what God is waiting to reveal to me this time. His timing is perfect. Thanks for reading...there is nothing to fix, take away, or do for me.
Just please, if you fell led to do so, say a prayer for us.
Links: Mudville Gazette
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